So you get engaged and the first person you thought to call was your Mom. At first she is filled with joy and so excited, she sets out making plans in her head, some of which she decides to discuss with you. She calls all her friends and family, you start to begin planning the wedding, looking for venues, discovering likes, dislikes and cost of goods. You discuss the guest list and how to divide up the number of gueasts each family should be able to invite. Then, suddenly you notice a change in her behavior or maybe even mood swings around the subject of your wedding.
This is totally normal! Unexpected and unpleasant but, definitely a part of the process. When I got engaged my Mom, went a little nuts, too. Suddenly this woman that raised me and taught me to be generous and inclusive started to get territorial and petty. I heard comments like “why do they get to invite their friends? Why are they getting the same number of guests when I am paying?”…I was devastated to hear my Mom speak this way. It was not how she raised me. I felt so uncomfortable and couldn’t understand what was wrong. I even stopped speaking to her for a week.
Today, after working with countless brides and their mothers I can safely say that this behavior is common. Your Mom just needs some time to get used to the idea of sharing her baby with a whole new family. At first she feels very threatened by the attention you are getting from your “family to be” namely the future “Mother in law.” It is unsettling in many ways and the one thing I have learned over the years is that what provokes this behavior is that when you get engaged, you already know your family of origin and what makes them tick. However, your future husband’s family is a whole different experience. The allure and intrigue of the future in-laws enticing. They seem to be so different than your family and so much more normal and sort of hip and their relationship with you feels almost magical. They are still new and somewhat of a mystery; you don’t really know them yet, they seem gracious and welcoming and after all they raised the man you fell in love with- so they have to be pretty darn special. Right? So why wouldn’t you have instant love and closeness with them. You are marrying their son.
Give it time- You need to get to know your future husbands family without feeling guilty and your Mom just needs to settle in and realize that you are still going to be her daughter.She has to feel that she will still be a part of your life.And as you learn more about his family the excitement will begin to fade.After all- every family has their baggage.Once the mystery is gone you will be back to normal with your Mom. Allow her this time and don’t expect it to be different.Embrace this period and have room for her to get used to the idea of sharing you, her baby, the one she gave birth too, raised and loved.
I hope you found this article helpful and informative. If you have any questions or need any help please feel free to contact me or leave comments. I look forward to helping you have a stress free event.
Grace, Gratitude and Happy Planning!
So you just got engaged and you think to yourself I need to find a place to get married. You begin to surf the internet for venues, feverishly making calls and you begin to feel overwhelmed. After what seems like a gazillion appointments and endless salespeople, beautiful presentation folders with prices and menus and preferred vendors you think to yourself; how do I interpret all this? It can all be so overwhelming.
Time to hit the pause button. Take a deep breath and make yourself a cup of coffee. Then sit quietly and list the pros and cons of each of the venues that you visited. Then create a cost comparison spreadsheet. When comparing locations it helps if you compare apples to apples, meaning; if the “really cheap” venue is offering 2 appetizers and the really great venue (the one you think you can’t afford but love) is offering 6 appetizers in their package see what the cost would be to upgrade to 6 tray passed appetizers at the inexpensive location. If the great place offers valet in their package price see what the valet would be at the less expensive location and write it down. How many courses are each of the places providing. Which one will let you choose a cake vendor, which one charges for the ceremony and what is the charge for an on site ceremony. Once you have your prices for each of these venues listed out by category simply add up each column and see if the less expensive place is still less expensive.
If something seems too good to be true that is because it usually is too good to be true. Be weary of the places that hide their costs and break them down and spread them around their presentation folder. I know when I look at a proposal my eye automatically goes to the largest numbers on the page or the final number/total at the bottom; afterwards, I pause to see what do all these costs really mean and stand for. Then, I too do a cost analysis. So, do yourself a favor and take the time to actually understand what you are getting and what it is going to cost before you commit. These few minutes can save you a lot of tears.
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Be Happy It is Your Wedding Day!
Letting go of your fear has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I remember as a bride I was petrified to walk down the aisle. I thought I wanted to be the center of attention, and was upset with my husband’s mother and sister because they weren’t welcoming the arriving guests. Instead they thought that they should have a “Grand Entrance” too. When the moment came for me to finally walk down the aisle I thought I would die, all those people looking at me- and the only thing I could do was obsess over the fluff of my dress, and worry about my hair—All that angst on what is supposed to be the most amazing day of my life
Then, I spent the entire day worrying about whether or not my guests were having fun. I was so anxious and worried about everything and everyone and what they thought that I don’t think I had fun. I just remember that when the day was done, and as I got out of my gown I felt every muscle in my upper body let go and begin to relax. It was not pleasant and took a few hours for the pain to subside.
Now 24+ years later I can certainly tell you walking down the aisle was the easy part. Today my youngest child takes her driving test. Letting go of the fear that surrounds this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. We give birth, raise and protect and nurture these wonderful little beings into adult hood only to let them fly away with wings that we helped to grow. So many things can happen or go wrong when you drive. Today, I realize there are so many more important things to obsess over than a fluffy wedding dress- or the perfect centerpiece.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you that your wedding day should be anything less than perfect and that you shouldn’t want to look and feel your very best. What I am saying is that you should ENJOY your wedding day- it is yours, created especially for you, the bride. It is the only day when the world actually stops, and focuses on you and your wishes. So what if it doesn’t go as planned. Nothing ever does! Furthermore, no one at your party knows that the centerpieces were supposed to be yellow roses not pink, or that you picked Chilean Sea bass not salmon. No one knows what you planned! They only know what is presented to them. Your guests take their cues from you. So, be present, be gracious and be grateful and most of all be happy! Paste a great big smile on your face and let the good times begin! It is one day and there are no do overs. Choose the joy that you so very much want. It is all up to you and how you choose to see and be on your wedding day.
I hope this was interesting and helpful. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me 818 673 2961. Shoot me an email or leave some comments. I would love to hear what you are interested in learning about.
Grace, Gratitude and Happy Planning
When you get engaged and start planning for your wedding the world of creativity opens up and there is so much possibility just waiting for you to walk through its door. Sit back, close your eyes and just fantasize for a few minutes. Picture yourself in your Wedding gown walking into your reception – what colors come to mind- What does the guest seating look like; do you see your guests seated at a table- should the tables be round, square rectangular? Do you want your guests on chairs, ottomans or banquets? Are the tables coffee table height, standard or high top? Or are you nixing tables and providing all lounges or maybe a combination of the above?
Imagine the atmosphere you want to create. This is where you get to think about lighting and what that will bring to the party.
Try to step outside of your comfort zone when you plan your wedding.I know it is hard to imagine something that you haven’t seen in pictures and magazines but it can be so rewarding if you begin to let go of all your fear and learn to play and use your imagination.
The room you create does not need to be about the flowers and centerpieces and linen color. Take it a step further and really spend time thinking about how you want the party to move and flow. The rest will fall into place.
No one says you need to be traditional unless that is what you want. Remember, there are no rules; and if there are, just remember the old saying that states:“rules are meant to be broken.” There may be some religious or cultural traditions to follow but they are also open to interpretation. They exist as a guide for you to use and customize to fit with your life, style and personal preferences
This is your wedding! The planning should be fun! Let go and play!
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Grace, Gratitude and Happy Planning!